Prague: Czechin’ Out

November 24, 2017. Prague, Czech Republic.

I got the itch again. It was time to get gone, and gone I got. I’m in a decent Viennese hostel right now, tapping away in bed, patiently waiting for an antisocial neckbeard to stop taking his eleven hour shower. I can hear him giggling to himself through the door. Here’s to hoping I never learn why.

I tried to write in the kitchen. Had my green tea, explored the “FREE FOOD” shelf that consisted entirely of different kinds of flour. Flour is just cakes that haven’t realized their potential yet. Could’ve had me a Flour Medley. 

I was just getting tickatackin’ when an old Brazilian DJ accosted me with screams of friendship. He invited me to his set at an African club fourteen hours from now. Well intentioned, but it’s very much 8 AM. Let a dude brood, huh?

Prague was interesting, but I found the vibe a little unsettling. Maybe it was the off-season, but the locals were all discernibly tired of tourists, and the tourists were all roving around in packs like loud, drunken wolves.

I met an Indian dude on the metro last night and we got to talking about that. He got on a bus earlier and wound up sitting behind a gaggle of American girls who were talking about dirty dishes in loud, shrill English. He fell asleep, woke up two hours later, they’re talking about the same dirty dishes.

What’s the point of traveling? You’re gonna say and do the same things you’ve always done, with the same safe little enclave, at the same volume, why leave home?

Best left to better minds than mine. Let’s talk Czechia.

Sex was on every billboard and ad. Yeah, we get that kind of thing back in America, but it’s a lot more obvious in Europe, and the most obvious in Prague. These are tamer examples, but look at her just going to town on that kebab. Unf.

My pet theory is an ingrained rebellion against the forced respect and antisexuality of the Soviets, but that’s just conjecture. There’s also the stereotype of the Czech mail-order bride, which suggest it’s more of a “flaunt it if you got it” thing.

My entire trip, no matter where I went, everyone kept warning me about how beautiful the Czech women would be. To believe the hype, every random girl on the street is going to be a flawless seraphym, glistening and effulgent, sculpted with loving and immaculate precision by the right hand of God. I’m thinking my sources might’ve been biased by the how many porn stars are Czech. I’m an aesthete – I look at paintings and shit, I own tiny statues – and I didn’t notice any statistical upshoot in walking-around hotness. Although I will say that, on a whole, Europe is much more attractive than America.

23897269_1137519936384311_131910457_o

so are you looking for a boiling grease fragrance, or more of an Eau de Stables

It must be their diet, because it certainly isn’t their exercise. Nobody even lifts, but nobody even eats 20 piece McNugget breakfasts either. No matter how thoroughly I explain the value.

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that’s the name you’re gonna go with? there was a plague, dude

A final point on Prague I didn’t get to mention: the lock bridges.

Prague is heralded as a romantic city. I didn’t see it, myself. Too crowded, too understated, too full of Wurst. But I did see an Asian couple get married at St. Vitus, or at least take some wedding pictures on the terrifying Gothic steps, and there’s a popular local tradition that really elevates littering to its most beautiful, amorous level.

You write your name on a lock, and you stick it on a bridge. It uglies up the bridge, but it stays there, presumably forever. A little more industrial than carving initials in with a knife, but you can add cute little notes in sharpie if that’s your thing.

I seemed to be the only one put off by the symbolism of a padlock representing a relationship.

Prague was a head trip, but a cold head trip, painted in dark colors. I’m about to go poke around Vienna now. I’ll let you know what I find.

Love,

The Bastard

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